Welcome to Rockin' Catoctin, the first local blog covering Frederick County and environs. That's Frederick County, Maryland, for any of you from the county of similar name south of the border... God, I hate you folks! You were always off school and getting my hopes up!. I'd hear "The following schools are closed today due to inclement weather: Carroll County, Fairfax County, Frederick County..." OMFG! Shit yeah! No school! "Virginia, Howard County, Montgomery County". And so off I'd trudge to school, muttering "fucking Winchester!".
Anyway... I'm claiming that this is the first Frederick County blog. I don't know if that's true or not, but I'm going to say it anyway. Someone will correct me if I'm wrong, and/or start a turf war that we can fight to a choreographed dance sequence with a pretty little samba melody and a jazzy beat. That could be sexy...
This blog will cover everything from local culture and history to Frederick city and county politics, plust that rascal Roscoe Bartlett. For those of you that don't know, Roscoe is some dude from Kentucky that's frightened of peak oil, educating people with Oriental-sounding names and soldiers masturbating. He would just be a local curiosity to point and stare at, except that he's also the Representative to the United States House of Representatives for the Sixth District of Maryland (The Fightin' Sixth!). I'll be covering his various shenanigans, and I'll go ahead and start now with his bizarre obsession with hot Marine manmeat jacking hard military cocks - the Military Honor and Decency Act of 1996, which would prohibit Playboy, Penthouse and presumably MTV and Herbal Essences commercials, along with other "sexually explicit material", from being distributed on military bases. So, I'll not be mentioning Roscoe without also mentioning his frankly bizarre interest in military masturbation (seriously, get help Roscoe!). In case anyone's interested, his cosponsors were Christopher Smith of New Jersey and Robert Dornan of California, whose districts are also presumably flooded with military manjuice. (I know there are female soldiers. I've no doubt their excited clitori are as terrifying in person as they are in my imagination).
The second-most embarassing thing about Frederick County is the Frederick News-Post. Our local paper covers everything of little relevance, but occasionally also manages to print some asinine editorial. For example, today their webpage is covering some churches in Point of Rocks (which is a very nice town indeed). These churches are a "testament to a spiritual element in a community that was once known for its bars and murders", and were built by 1911 (a bit late with the scoop there, FNP!). For those of you that don't know, the Frederick News-Post is trying to make it seem hip to refer to the newspaper as "FNP". This initialism stands for "Fucking Nut-Punched", and it refers to how I feel everytime I see that obnoxious commercial where the whitest Jew in the Fightin' Sixth raps about buying a TV he found in the FNP. If I ever see him, I might ram his head through said TV's picture tube.
I might also cover local trends and scuttlebutt (I hope the word "scuttlebutt" doesn't get any of our friends at Fort Detrick horny, as it might upset Roscoe). I'm not really plugged in to the elite of Frederick County - ha! I know there's no elite here. They all live in Carroll County, where the blacks and Orientals are less uppity. But anyway, I do know some things, like the politics of determining which city employees get one of the city's 10 parking spaces. I work in downtown Frederick, which means every day I get to go right past the Carroll Creek Project, which looks very nice. That's not sarcastic. It's unfortunate that they're also putting in umpteen million condos -- apparently we're not going to bother with the whole "urbanization-urban decay-urban renewal-gentrification" thing... We'll just go straight from dipshit town to gentrified suckfest. T-minus a few months till the yuppies come marching home, and Frederick becomes "West Bethesda".
So, that's all I'm going to cover for right now. Welcome again to Rockin' Catoctin, the local Frederick County blog. Stay classy, Fredneck!
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